“Can we be friends again?!”

It’s funny how that one phrase we used to joke about has become so true for us.  Actually, it’s not funny at all.

How did we let this happen?  We used to be the closest of friends, us three.  Now we can’t even bring ourselves to make eye contact when we pass.

What the fuck?  You two seem so close now, even closer than before.  How is it that I am the only one who’s out?

I’ve done so much thinking lately and have gone over all the possible scenarios.  Have I changed?  Or is it you who has changed?  Or maybe it’s just the changing of the times?  All the thinking has come down to this: I’m just not a good friend.  How can I be; I can’t open up to people.  I’m too quiet and I have a hard time trusting people enough.  I’m constantly surrounded by people who need to fill to void with constant chatter and when I do have something to say I can’t get a word in edgewise.  I’m a terrible friend.  It’s whatever.

I suppose I’ve got to move on, because everyone else obviously has.  It’s for the best, right?  Perfect timing; we’ll soon go off to our various colleges and universities where we can really pretend like we never met.

You know, this kind of started out as a sympathy letter, but now I don’t give a fuck what you think of it, or me.

All I ask is for some acknowledgement when you see me, because, after all, we were friends for at least six years.

Oh! Darling,

Please believe me….

I’m sure you know the rest. =)

I just wanted to let everyone in on my emotional roller-coaster that’s been going on as of late.  I’ve been so incredibly stressed (as I have stated in previous posts) and all of that stress has been making me unhappy.  I hate being unhappy, it’s the worst feeling ever.  Well maybe not the worst, but it’s a step above depression which makes it pretty bad.  Being unhappy has driven me absolutely insane, and I honestly think that unhappiness is the reason I’ve been been so frugal with my money recently.

But, thankfully, a number of recent events have brought me back to the sunny-side of life.  One of which is finally getting my own room, which led to me having much more privacy (thanks to a lock on my door) and not being so grumpy and/or bitchy all the time.  Another is making more time for my friends.  I used to come home from work every weekend and sulk because no one would call me and invite me out.  Well I’ve realized that a friendship is most definitely a two-way street and I have to put some effort into it.  So I began to call them and invite them to hang out with me.  Trust me, it’s done wonders.  One more thing (but definitely not the last) that is helping out is turning in one of my college applications.  Now I just have to apply for financial aid and scholarships and more stressful things like that!

I’m so excited for what the immediate future holds for me, because (I hope) things can only get better from here!

(nearly) finished product

My room is done!  Well, for the most part.  I’m sure in time I’ll find things that I want to move around and more stuff for my walls, but I’m good with it now.  I’m just waiting for my pictures to be developed for the bulletin board.

Let me know what you think.

finally, a new post!

“Damnit Zoë!  You hardly ever update your damn blog!” is probably what you’re thinking every time you visit this page.  Well guess what:  I AM NOW!  I know, I know, it’s not a Europe blog.  And I’m sincerely sorry about that.  It’s just that I had that first week all written out in a notebook already, and the rest is just notes about what happened.  I’m sure that if I read those notes a lot of memories will come back to me, but most of the details will be lost.  I can’t guarantee that I will ever finish those blogs BUT I WILL TRY!

Moving on to the present:  a reason I haven’t been updating a lot is because I’m so stressed all the time.  I’m stressed about school.  I’m stressed about college and how it seems it’s just around the corner, and stressing about college makes me stress about moving in nine or ten months (I know it seems like a while, but that time is going to fly right by).  I’m stressed about family drama.  I’m stressed about friend drama.  I’m stressed about work–well mainly that whenever I’m not at work I’m exhausted and sleep instead of hanging out with my friends.  I’m stressed because I should be saving my money but it seems to disappear, which leads me to my next topic:

I’m a shopaholic.  Stop giggling; this is no laughing matter.  Seriously, whenever I have nothing to do I will go to the mall or Target or the BLD shopping center by my house and spend spend spend on things that I don’t need.  I find new clothes in my closet all the time.  It’s ridiculous.  And a good portion of the clothes I’ve bought are things that I will most likely never wear, but were so cute that I just had to buy them.  I don’t know what to do, because it’s so absurd!

There has been a crazy amount of unnecessary drama going on lately both in my family and circles of friends.  But that’s all I’m going to say about it, because I don’t want to talk about it.

My older sister Hollie recently moved out of the house which means that I FINALLY get my own room back!  If you’ve spent more than a couple minutes with me then you know this because it’s been all I’ve been talking about.  I have spent the last week (that is, the days I’ve had off work) decorating and organizing the room.

More decorations to come.  I bought a couple of disposable cameras to fill that bulletin board with pictures.  Also (whenever I get around to buying some tape) the wall around it will (eventually) be covered in pictures as well.  I’m excited to get going on that.  This room has officially become my side-project, even though it’s my only project….  I’m stoked to see how it will turn out!

I recently started applying to colleges, well one college so far.  I had been planning to apply to quite a few until I realized that there was a $55 application fee.  Wow.  Now I’m thinking maybe just one more will be alright.  I applied to my first, second, and third choice the other night: CSU Monterey Bay.  I’m thinking of majoring in Journalism or Creative Writing or something along those lines, because writing is really the only thing I can think of that I am good at and enjoy doing.  Maybe I’ll minor in French or Theater or something fun.

I definitely had more ideas to add when I started this post, but now I can’t think of anything else.  So until next time, goodnight.  =)

way to go, Kanye

I can’t think of a title

I know what you’re thinking: “Where the fuck is the rest of your Europe trip!  You’ve only gotten halfway through and I want to know the rest!!”  Well, I’m obviously too lazy to finish those blogs.  Don’t worry, I will… eventually.  But for now I’m busy with work and school and my recent outbreak of migraines.

You heard me right; I had the worst headache of my life since Sunday night up until now.  Monday and Tuesday also came equipped with a stomachache and spewing my guts out inside of a toilet (isn’t that just a disgusting word: spew).  Tuesday I went to see the doctor and she said I couldn’t have any caffeine–which is stupid, because everything I drink has caffeine with the exception of water, and I’ve been told by numerous people that caffeine actually helps with headaches.  As you can imagine I didn’t listen to her, seeing as I’m awake.  She also said that the migraines probably come with my menstrual cycle and I should expect more.  Shit.  That is definitely not something I wanted to hear.  Now enough of that….

I’ve been quite wasteful with my money lately.  I know I should be saving it but I just can’t help but go to the mall and spend spend spend.  Some of the things I’ve bought lately include:

And I still want to buy:

Please tell me I’m not going overboard!  I need to save money!

I went to a show the other night at the Empire Theater in Stockton.  The only band I knew that was playing was Hellogoodbye and I had already seen them once before (and, to tell the truth, they aren’t that good live).  I just wanted to go to hang out with some friends.  We ended up only going inside about three times, but one of the times a band called Fun was playing.  They sounded pretty cool so when I got home I checked them out and fell in love <3<3<3!  They’re seriously one of my favorite bands now, I absolutely adore them!  I definitely reccommend you check them out.

Other than what I’ve said I can’t really think of anything I feel like sharing, so I’m going to head to bed.  I pinky swear, I’ll work on the Europe blogs as soon as I can!  Good night.

back to hell

Welcome to high school!  Also known as the place I’d rather not visit at 7:30 in the morning.  That’s right, school’s back in session as of Monday, August 10th.  Back to four hour-and-a- half classes a day and being stuck with people that I’m generally sick of.  Thank goodness I only have one year.

Also, I woke up to a nice back-to-school gift yesterday morning.

another procrastinating blog

Loneliness seems to have been plaguing me lately.  All I’ve been busy with these past few weeks is work.  I’ve been agreeing to cover coworkers shifts because I have nothing better to do.  And when I’m not at work I’m at home–which is nice, don’t get me wrong, but I can only stand spending so much time with the fambam.  The last few nights I’ve been forcing myself to go out, even by myself, because it’s the last week of summer and I don’t want this one to be the worst of them all (although, since it’s practically over, it appears that it will be).

I’ve been spending the time that I have at the Top of the World because it’s so amazingly peaceful up there.  It’s definitely my favorite place to be.  For those of you who don’t know where or what the Top of the World is, it’s a hill in the Altamont Pass where if you look one direction you can see all of Livermore and if you look the other way you can see all of Tracy.  It’s beautiful to see during sunset or at night when all the lights come on.  I was there just last night waiting to see the lights and get a picture–with my cell phone of course since my camera is still broken from Rome (which reminds me that I need to finish my Europe blogs)–when a security guard pulled up and told the other cars there and me that we couldn’t park up there and we had to leave.  I know, right!  I was shocked that there was security too!  I was bummed that I couldn’t get a picture of the city, but I did get one of the windmills on the way up.

I’ve been increasingly mopey lately, but I don’t want to talk about it, so we’ll leave it at that.

School begins next week, and my feelings are rather mixed on the topic..  On the one hand I want to go back because all I’ve done with this summer was go to Europe and work.  Europe was an absolute blast, but I think that if we went more near the middle of ther season then it would have been much more memorable than it was in the beginning.  On the other hand I’m definitely not ready for school because I feel like there’s so much more I can get done this summer.  You and I both know I’m kidding myself here because I haven’t done anything yet so why would I start now?

incomplete

Lately I’ve been a bit of a loner, I’m not going to deny it.  I go to work, I come home, and on my days off I sit around the house doing hardly anything.  I get so bored and lonely and wonder why I have no one to hang out with.  During these past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of thinking: how can I expect to have someone to hang out with if I don’t make an effort to see them?  If I don’t attempt to keep these friendships alive then who will?  This summer has gone down the same road as last summer, except this year I have a job, and last year was a completely different story….  I’m going to begin to make an effort to get my friends back, and make what’s left of this short season worth my time.

And I promise that I will finish the damn Europe blogs as soon as possible!

Europe days 4-6

Day Four: Part One                                                                 July 13, 2009

I’m starting this entry early on account of the three hour train ride to Paris.  We just got onto the train and it’s 8:20 in the morning, or 12:20 in California.  I got to call my family when we first got to the station, but I only talked to Hollie because no one else was awake or home.  I would say that I miss everyone, but I honestly don’t feel like I’m abroad.  I’m sure that I will once we get somewhere where not everyone speaks English.  I hope my dogs are being fed, cough Dad cough.  Today I had Starbucks for the first time since Wednesday on the way to the airport.  Unfortunately, my partner numbers don’t work here, but the barista was so nice that she used her numbers for my drink.  I’m starting to get to know the kids from Texas and they’re all really nice.  I’m still a bit disappointed in myself for not taking a lot of pictures of London.  Also, I didn’t write a lot about what I wanted to.  For example: the vocabulary, I love it here!  All of the trashcans have signs that say “Dispose your rubbish” and buildings are for “let” instead of rent.  It’s great.  One thing that has really been bothering me is that in most stores my Visa card won’t work, so I have to go down the street to find an ATM that will take Visa and get cash.  The first time it happened I freaked out because I thought that my card had been shut off!  Something I’ve noticed in London is that there are hardly any obese people, and everyone is beautiful.  Everyone I’ve seen who is overweight was obviously a tourist.  I figured that it’s because everyone walks here, or takes the Underground.  Well, that’s really all I can think of to write for now.  I’ve literally just been zoning out for the past ten minutes.  But I’ll come back to it tonight and tell you readers about my first day in France!  kbye.

Day Four: Part Two

So right now it’s 12:07 AM tomorrow.  I’m so tired, but not so much that I can’t write.  Our first hour or so was spent sitting around waiting for our bus.  We walked out of the train station, crossed the street, and sat in front of a Subway (the sandwich shop, not the metro) while Silvana rushed around trying to figure out where our bus was.  Eventually a few of us went into an Italian pizzeria, but right when we ordered one of the adults came in and said that we were leaving to meet the bus.  Luckily, the restaurant let us take our pizzas to go.  When we left we walked for about fifteen minutes, with all our luggage and pizzas, to find our bus.  This bus was actually a replacement because the first bus never showed up.  We don’t know what happened to it.  We drove for about half an hour and ate our pizzas and, thankfully, Silvana’s microphone was busted so she couldn’t talk the entire time.  The Paris hotel seemed nicer than the one in London (mostly because the bathroom was a ROOM) but it is still extremely small.

So Sarah, Jessica, and I were all getting settled in when we realized that the toilet doesn’t flush.  A staff member came up to look at it, but she only fiddled with it for a bout a minute when she said that she’ll just get us a new room.  We figured it would be exactly like the room we already had.  We soon found out that we were wrong; the new room was huge in comparison, especially the bathroom!

We were pretty stoked.  After everyone got all settled in we took the metro to Notre Dame.  When I went inside I felt like I couldn’t speak; it was amazing.  All of the details were so intricate.  It was definitely the most awesome place I’ve ever been inside.  Afterward, a few of us explored the area before we had to meet for dinner.  We watched street performers and walked in and out of shops.  For dinner we went to a little Italian restaurant and ate pasta along with some chocolate mousse.  A little old man came in from the street selling roses and Tanner bought some for every girl at the table. After dinner we got onto a RER train to a boat ride on the river, but one of the guys from our group, Alex, got stuck on the train.  His face when the doors shut on him was priceless; everyone started laughing, but then we felt bad because we just stood around laughing while the doors shut in his face.  We had to wait for Avila to go get him from the next stop before going anywhere.  But from where we were waiting there was a great view of the Eiffel Tower.  We finally got on the boat with Avila and Alex along with us.  Of course, I started singing The Lonely Island’s “I’m On A Boat,” but I was not alone.  We took billions of pictures and waved at every boat and bridge full of people that passed us by.  We were so exhausted by the end of the ride that we could barely walk back to the metro to go to the hotel, but we did.  Now I’m lying in bed writing this but honestly I keep dozing off, so I’m definitely going to stop now.  Good night.  ZzZzZzZz……..

Day Five                                                                                 June 14, 2009

This morning I woke up not knowing where I was.  I was knocked out the moment I lay down, which I guess is due to the nineteen hour day yesterday.  It honestly does not feel like we’ve only been here for five days.  Anyway, today after breakfast we all got on the bus and drove around for three hours just touring Paris.  At around noon or one the “California Seven,” as Silvana calls us, got off the bus at the Eiffel Tower, or near it anyway.  We were close but far enough away to fit the entire thing in our pictures.  Then we headed to Le Musée D’Orsay.  The Texas group had gone to Versailles, but we didn’t want to spend that much money and the museum was free.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen as many naked people as I did at Orsay.  I know that Europeans don’t believe in censorship, but this was ridiculous!  In every room there were at least three or four naked statues or paintings.  In one of the rooms the very first thing you saw is a painting of a vagina.  I just turned around and walked out of there!  When everyone was good and done we walked around the Latin Quarter looking for a place to eat.  We found a place with pasta for five euro, and they were huge plates of pasta too.  It was delicious.  We were all so full, I don’t think anyone wanted to do anything, but we hoped on the metro and climbed up a huge flight of stairs to Le Basilique du Sacré-Cœur.  Actually, we first tried to go around the stairs but ended up running into them anyway, so we finally just walked up them.  In the chapel some sort of ceremony was going on.  I would try to explain it , but I barely know how.  We started to explore the area and found some sort of street fair where tons of guys were doing caricatures.  I wanted to get one but we had been warned about how they tend to rip people off.  I got some gelato instead and we found the place where we were supposed to meet for dinner in the middle of all the chaos.  After about an hour or so the Texas group met up with us and we sat down for some crêpes, which were delicious.  After dinner, because about five people were bummed that they didn’t get to see everything, we sat around for an hour on the steps of the chapel.  One of the girls from the Texas group, Mary, who is an amazing photographer, started to take pictures of me “modeling.”  We were just messing around but the pictures turned out really good.  When we finally got back on the metro we were all exhausted beyond belief and were completely ready to collapse in bed.  That was pretty much my day minus a ton of minor details and petty conversations.  kbye.

Day Six                                                                                   June 15, 2009

This morning when we woke up, Sarah, Jessica, and I were planning on wearing shorts because the past few days have been really warm.  However, when we looked out the window and saw that it was raining we changed our minds.  After the heat the past few days we were absolutely shocked by the rain.  In that rain we had to walk to the metro station, and when we got out at our stop the rain was coming down even harder.  We ended up at a perfume factory called Fragonard where we learned how perfume is made.  I could barely understand the lady who worked there but she was hilarious when I could.  After the tour we got to sample and buy perfumes.  I really wanted to get one for my mom but I didn’t know what she would like so I just picked one for myself called Eau Fantastique—or Fantastic Water.  When we were finished in Fragonard we took the metro one stop further to the Louvre.  We all had to wait in line in the middle of the courtyard in the rain for about twenty minutes before some workers took half the line (the half we were in) across to the other side of the museum to another entrance.  The inside was huge!  Our entrance was a few rooms over from the Monna Lisa so the California group headed over there first.  It was so crowded that I couldn’t even get a good picture of the portrait, but I did get a few of the crowd.  I felt so claustrophobic in that room, despite how huge it was.  After getting out of there Jessica, Sarah, and I met up with Tanner, Alyssa, and Steffanie.  We wandered around looking at a few sculptures, like the Winged Victory and Venus de Milo, before finding a bench and sitting down.  We began people-watching because we were so bored.  Then Tanner crawled between the bench and the wall and fell asleep, so the rest of us got up and walked a few feet away to freak him out whenever he woke up, which worked and was hilarious.  The six of us then met up with Avila and the three California boys, Eric, Daniel, and Alex, for lunch—which was sandwiches in the museum cafe—and went outside to go souvenir shopping.  It was this time that I got the majority of my gifts except the Swiss chocolate I’m planning on giving the fambam.  When our group was finished we hopped onto the metro to go to l’Arc de Triumph.  I should add that it had stopped raining by now, but it was still a tad bit chilly.  We all spent about twenty minutes at the Arc then we went to explore a bit.  We ended up at the Louis Vuitton store where I almost cried because everything was so damn expensive.  When we were done depriving ourselves we found a telephone booth so that Sarah could call her boyfriend, but the guy in the next booth kept screaming “HELLO!” into his telephone.  People driving by would stare at us and pedestrians would stop and laugh.  Then we noticed a van full of men staring at all of us girls.  It was creepy.  I’ve definitely noticed that guys in Europe are a lot less sly than American guys while checking out girls.  For example a few of us girls were sitting on a curb and nearly every guy who passed by eyed us up and down.  Anyway when those guys in the van drove away they all honked and made suggestive faces.  Bleh.  When Sarah got off the phone we began to walk back down the street toward the Arc and our meeting spot for dinner when we stopped and sat on a bench.

This next part is really disturbing so if you get upset in sappy movies then I suggest you skip this next anecdote.  So Tanner, Alyssa, Jessica, Steffanie, Sarah, and I are sitting on these two benches that are back to back.  Alyssa, Jessica, and I are facing the street while the others are facing the buildings and having their own conversations.  Soon after we sat a little girl, maybe only about three or four years old, walks by us with a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse rolley-backpack.  She looks so upset as if she’s about to burst into tears.  Us three have stopped our conversation mid-sentence and are watching her walk by.  About a minute later we notice some boy, who is about eleven or twelve, following her and snickering.  By then the little girl is down at the corner sitting by a kind looking man who we assume is her father, but this creepy little boy is still watching her with a creepy smile on his face.  That’s honestly the only way I can describe him: creepy.  He seemed like a pedophile in the making.  As we’re watching, the little girl keeps fidgeting around until finally she gets up and sits on the curb.  It’s then that the boy approaches her and she immediately starts crying.  As we watch, the boy keeps trying to talk to her and she keeps scooting away.  Eventually he gives up trying to talk to her and simply stands near her.  We see only one woman stop to see if she’s alright, but the little boy chased her away.  By this time all six of us are watching her and wondering what to do.  So we all walked over there and I asked the creeper, “Do you speak English?”  He said, “A little bit.”  “Are you her brother?” I asked to which he snapped, “No, but I am her friend.  Her father is down there,” he added pointing aimlessly down the street.  I could already tell that he wanted to get rid of me but I didn’t care.  I kneeled down by the girl and asked her where her mother was, in French, at which point she began sobbing and the little boy disappeared.  I tried to comfort her, however she wouldn’t let me near her.  We started talking to the man who we earlier mistook as her father.  He said that he noticed her by herself being stalked by the creepy boy and was considering calling the police.  Just then the boy returned followed by two adult men, one of whom was carrying a Disney Princess umbrella and a Hello Kitty bag.  This one walked straight up to the girl, picked her up (though she was struggling against him), and walked away with the other man and the boy.  Just as the man we were talking to began to dial the police number, a pair of cops walked right by us.  He told them, in French, that he suspected the man who snatched the girl of either child abuse and neglect of kidnapping.  The police quickly ran after them.  By this time I was psychotic.  I was crying and cussing loudly; I was so pissed that someone would let his “daughter” roam around in a big ass city by herself so that he could grab a cup of coffee with his buddy.  Honestly!

I was still fuming when we met the group and on the way to dinner.  It wasn’t until we sat down at the table and I got a glass of wine that I settled down, though I was still crying.  For dinner we had a very thin French pizza at a restaurant called Flan’s.  Everybody had to share a pizza, but because I’m a vegetarian they kept bringing me a whole pizza for myself.  After the second or third I was stuffed, but other people would eat my pizza so the waiters would bring even more.  Then they brought out a dessert pizza which was AMAZING!  When everyone was full we headed to the Eiffel Tower, and once there we found out that it’s a whole lot cheaper to walk up than to take the elevator, so, of course, Kody, Steffanie, and I decided to walk.  By the time we got to the first floor (out of three) Steffanie was freaking out about the height and it had started raining again.  Our legs were shaking but I wanted to go up higher so we went all the way to the second floor.  There we found out that to go all the way to the top we would have to by an elevator ticket, so we decided to go back down to the ground.  It wasn’t until we had walked all the way down the stairs that someone told us that we could have taken the elevator down for free!  We then sat on the ground underneath the Tower because it was still raining and that was the only dry spot in the area.  Once everyone met up we headed back to the hotel, got ready for bed, and et cetera.  Now I’m exhausted and my legs hurt so badly!  kbye.