And here it comes again, that depression that I can always count on to return.  This happens every so often, this feeling of unbearable sadness.  I cannot control it.  It swallows me whole.  I cannot eat or sleep; all I want to do is cry.

Once a month, at the very least, I can count on the heavy feeling in my chest.  At least once a month I can anticipate the overwhelming want, this immense desire to break free of the hold of my emotions.  But I won’t let myself go.

I cannot let myself go.

I will be forever trapped in my own bottle, drowning in my own tears.

I wonder how I can let myself be engulfed so suddenly.  I can never even feel this coming on.  Up until recently I’ve expected it as something I must live with.  I figured it as an unavoidable aspect to all human life.  But as I’ve grown I’ve found it much more challenging to plaster a fake smile on my face as if everything in my life is beautiful.  I find that I just don’t have the willpower left in me to fight.

I don’t want to have to choose to fight anymore.


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